Four minutes until I can fart!
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
