Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
My bed smells like the plague
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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