new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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