my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
