Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
