I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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