They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
