We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize