After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
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