Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
