Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
