were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
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