it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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