Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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