i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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