I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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