dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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