i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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