every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Just cropdusted the office
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize