Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
