I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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