Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
