Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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