Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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