My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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