Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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