i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Randomize
