Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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