your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize