just tell him i said nine months
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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