just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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