Kareoke will never be a sober sport
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
