I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
