Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
