What a fucking waste of an outfit
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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