and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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