I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
