You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Randomize
