Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I cut my penus on the lid.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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