Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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