Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
