you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Randomize
