Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
