____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
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