Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
