she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
