I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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