I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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