how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I wish they made helmets for livers.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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