woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
