Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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