You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
