The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
