I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I think your dad took our porno
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
