Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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