I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
