I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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