i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
