you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
